No kidding, this morning I woke up with John Meyer's song Stop This Train going on replay over and over in my mind.
"Stop this train
  I want to get off and go home again
  I can't take the speed it's moving in
  I know I can't
  But, honestly, won't someone stop this train?"


Today the train leaves the station. Decisions have been made and we are on our way. I am writing this from the hospital. This morning Claire has a bone marrow aspirate and biopsy, a lumbar puncture to put the drug ARA-C into her spinal fluid, and she is having a triple lumen broviac placed. That is a central line where things can go in or out without having to put in an IV. She had a port, then an infection which necessitated port removal, then a PICC in her arm, now the better and more permanent broviac. On Tuesday she has a radiation consult and a radiation planning session, on Wednesday Faith has donor pre transplant labs, child life prep, and a donor consent conference, and on Thursday Claire has another pulmonary function test, echo and EKG, chest x-ray, nursing education, dietary education, pharmacy education, and finance meetings. Then there is a little break. The following Tuesday we meet with social work, child life, and Claire has a consent conference. On Wednesday the 18th she starts three days of cranial radiation. She has Saturday off, then on Sunday will start total body irradiation twice a day for four days. They are still deciding if this will be done in or out patient. But she will definitely be in by Thanksgiving when she does her high dose Etoposide (chemo). Then on Monday the 30th is what they will always refer to as her bone marrow birthday. Faith checks in at 6am to donate, and Claire will receive her sister's stem cells later that same day. All of this will be done at Primary Children's hospital except for the radiation, which will be done at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. Then we wait. And wait and wait. She will be in the hospital for 3-6 weeks and will be in isolation at home for another 100 or so days after that.

When Claire was about 11 I decided that I needed to work on my relationship with her. She was a little odd and quirky, and I was a very busy and tired mom of 6. So I prayed and asked God to teach me what I needed to do to build our relationship. He told me to really look at her when she talked to me. To make sure that at least once every day I put down or stopped whatever I was doing to really see this daughter of mine. To see past the things that might appear odd or quirky and to look at her heart. And as I did this, our relationship changed. Now, I don't believe that God gave Claire cancer, or that He gave us this challenge as an answer to my prayer or to test us in some way. I really, really don't. I do believe that we live in a world where horrible things like childhood cancer happen, and when they do, God walks that path with us, holding us in His arms every step of the way and giving us blessings that we might not have received any other way. And I also believe that the relationship I have with this daughter of mine, who I help bathe and go to the bathroom, who I hook up to IV's and feeding tubes, who I spend countless hours with in the hospital, who is my duet partner in the car anytime Pink's song Just Give Me A Reason comes on the radio, is one of the most precious things in my life. She is still odd and quirky, and I love it. She also has a depth and strength that she very rarely reveals to others, but it's there. And she has the driest wit. Since I started this post with song lyrics, I will end it with some lyrics we heard this morning on our way to the hospital. Live Like You Were Dying came on the radio.
"I went sky diving
  I went Rocky Mountain climbing..."
Claire turned to me and said, "I wish! This is the most unrealistic song. I mean, I get the sentiment, but when your doctor tells you that you are sick enough to be dying, they don't just send you out sky diving. They hit you so hard that you can't do any of that stuff. Seriously!" Ok, you've gotta love this girl, right?

Again, I can't figure out how to caption pictures, so here is one of Claire having a blood draw today, (she also had to give urine, just in case she somehow got pregnant since her last procedure), one of yesterday's Thanksgiving dinner (since she will be in the hospital in actual Thanksgiving), and one I just had to take at church yesterday of Claire and her twin.