Courage for Claire

Things That Make Me Crazy:

1. Cancer
2. People (not doctors) who THINK they know what causes cancer.
3. People (not doctors) who THINK they know what can cure cancer.
4. Rats
5. Sour candy
6. The extreme anxiety that I (and I think sometimes Claire) feel before every clinic appointment waiting to see what her blood counts are, or anytime Claire has any sort of ache, pain, or extra tiredness. Because normal people don't have aches, pains, or tiredness, right?
8. Orange and chocolate together
9. Did I mention rats?
10. Cancer

Every night I kneel down next to my bed and I pray. And, despite all of the pain and sorrow in the world, what occupies most of my time praying is my children. Claire sometimes, but not always, gets the lion's share. But what I really pray for in connection to her is peace. And trust. Peace that she is in God's hands, and trust that whatever that includes will be alright. There is a beautiful hymn written by a Utah poet who used to live in my parents' neighborhood, Emma Lou Thayne, that captures my feelings.
"Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know,
where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand
to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One."

Today Claire and I made the drive down to Utah County to go to a new student orientation at the Utah Valley University Culinary Arts Institute. Claire was so excited! We mentioned it yesterday at clinic to the oncology psychologist, and he looked at me and said, "So, what are you going to do while Claire is at her orientation?" I took this as a hint that maybe I needed to step back a little bit and let her have some independence. (Deep breath) I didn't exactly wait in the car, (she does still need some help carrying things since she was using her walker) but I did sit in the back of the classroom and let her do her thing. (And for the record, I was not the only parent there.) She even raised her hand to ask questions, and she used her own money to pay for the required uniforms. Not unusual for a 19 year old, I know, but pretty exciting for a 19 year old whose social life was ripped away from her in no uncertain terms. And scary for me, because I am so afraid that it will get ripped from her again. But it was amazing to see her take a little bit of control over her life. The things we take for granted, right?

Of course I was the weird mom who had to take a picture.

After orientation we had to stop by The Galilee Grill for falafel and baba ganoush. Delish. And yes, those beautiful eyebrows were painted on. Hers haven't quite grown back yet, haha.